I'm tired

It's hard to complain about being tired when you're privileged. Wow. What an ass.

Let's start over. I'm tired.

I had a cup of coffee at about 9pm for no good reason. Well, actually, there was a reason - I knew I had a few things hanging on the to do list for months at this point. Have I already had 4 cups of coffee today? Yes. Will that stop me? No, I have things to do.

When people ask me about my job, I like to make the joke that I'm not sure if I'll have a job in six months. It's a very privileged and savings-account-brained thing to say that. But I do it anyways because it's how I honestly react to it myself internally and rationalise it. I like making things into jokes, I don't know why, I think it's a long-learnt coping mechanism in response to difficult things. I like to laugh at things.

To be funny is to not be scary.

To laugh is to not seem scared - is to not be scared.

But yes you never really know what you truly want in a particular circumstance until that thing happens to you. And it did happen to me - about 1 year and 7 months ago. The beauty of the alluring redundancy pay-out.

And did I want a new job when that happened? Fuck no! I'm tired.

Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm not fulfilled enough in my current job. Maybe our increasingly connected global air transport system and from-birth travel industry propaganda has finally done its job and convinced me to do the bastardised "OE". Maybe it's just an excuse for not trying hard enough you lazy lazy shit.

I don't know, but it's hard to figure out what I mean when I tell myself "I'm tired" until I figure out what not being tired looks like. I've felt "tired" my entire life it's certainly felt like. My GP concurred when I complained about being tired last year - 'everyone gets tired and everyone complains about it' . Is it burnout? Sounds hard to pin down. Could being tired just be a euphemism for being tired of life as it is? I don't know.

Perhaps the real problem is not that I don’t know what I want. But maybe it’s that I know exactly what I want, and I’m hoping tiredness will make the decision for me.